I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.