me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
they split up moments later
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
thank god the sign was there
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
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Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.