a lot to unpack here
You Might Also Like
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I’m about to risk it all
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.