How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
we’re gonna need another temp
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?