If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”