Meat Cute
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
going to the ER y’all need anything
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.