alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
wtf is a larm clock?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
This is always good for a laugh.