Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Smooooooth
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Sounds like a bargain
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.