I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
we’re gonna need another temp
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.