my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.