A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.