don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
much to think about
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.