Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed