Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.