Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If a snake ate a cake
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom