I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
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I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
So inspired right now.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one