Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill