It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
we all know this pain all too well
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands