imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician