It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
what’s more important?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
A completely valid reaction tbh
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad