Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
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I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.