It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
boat question
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.