One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Sticker placement is key.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer