I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.