my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote