“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’m not wrong
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious