Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
new record!
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind