You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.