I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
this country is so goddamn polarized
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.