Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I will never stop laughing at this
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Truth