I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
You Might Also Like
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.