me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Make new friends? bro out of what?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.