Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I need to get some bricks…
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.