When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Lassie, get help!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.