As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs