I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.