My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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felt that
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”