.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?