People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
as is their right
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Blew my mind.