ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?