I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
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Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
The dark side of Canada
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”