Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.