friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
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hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.