Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.