*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
A dead goose is called a ghoost
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
You learn something every day
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.