Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors