MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
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Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.