I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON