It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.