How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
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We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
What my back needs
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*